I want to know what love is

You see it, hear it, feel it. It's all around you. Like a ghost haunting you everywhere you go. Every little detail in your life seems to trigger a memory, or a mere emotion. In that short moment, you miss them.

A lovely happy couple, and I'm happy for them. Overjoyed, really, I'm already thinking of wedding scenarios and how we can all help out. But it scares me, that I might not be so lucky. What if God thought it would be funny to not have made a special someone for me? But of course, why in the world would the creator of the universe have any consideration for an insignificant humans' love life. Just a thought, but a thought can be powerful.

Thoughts can be confusing as well and I sure as hell am confused. If every good thing comes from God, and love is good, then why do I feel so awful. Heck, what do I know of love? I've never been in a relationship that profound or deep. It's been all about small gestures, making her laugh, awkward phone conversations, etcetera, etcetera. There's no intimacy in that shit. I'm turning 20 and I've never been in a serious relationship where there is a future for us, while there's people of my age who are getting married and settling down, and having kids. Oh God, having kids.

But here's the deal, if every good thing comes from God, and emotions such as love or even like is good, then why do I feel like it's wrong. Even so, I just wished, for once, people would stay. That they'd love me for me. And they'd stay for me.

And it's because I miss you so much. As a friend, as a best friend, or even as something more than that. And I'm ashamed of these feelings, and I've kept them hidden, and I never have and never will act on them. Because they're wrong, because my brain says they're wrong, because society says they're wrong. I just keep thinking though, why did God make me so wrong?

It's my cross to bear

Keeping a distance, because nobody should ever have to suffer for what I have to face.

Past mistakes look so much smaller when you're standing on the precipice of change

Escapism

Day-dreaming during office hours isn't advisable, but I do it anyway. The mind does what the mind wants.

It's strange really, this yearning for a place I've never been to before. Yet it's so familiar, like from a distant dream. I can visualize it vividly. The soft sand, gentle waves, calm breeze. It's chilly enough to justify a hoodie, but warm enough to walk along the sand barefoot.

Home, this feels like home.
The vision quickly disappears, and it's back to this dreary office desk.
Empty. What am I doing with my life?

Exhausted, but learning.

It has been a frantic four months but this chapter is coming to a close.

Maybe together we can get somewhere

God knows what is hiding in those weak and sunken eyes

by grantheins

The lonesome dreamer,
tired of losing things he never had
So he sobered up and got a job
greeting strangers as they passed, eager and earnest in all replies
But his eyes betrayed his apparent peace
His dreams will never be at ease
till he chases after his very heart
So come round full circle,
back to start